Whenever I used alcohol I was never sure what was going to happen. There were times I could drink in moderation with no adverse affects. At other times my drinking would escalate and I behaved in ways that hurt both myself and others. This was in essence my life being out of control.
These episodes of being out of control made my life unmanageable. It caused me to feel shame, guilt and remorse. I tried to stop but I couldn't. And with each new failure, the shame, guilt and remorse increased. I tried everything in my power to stop and nothing worked.
To cope with the increasing guilt, shame and remorse I lied to myself and others. I was in denial. Worse yet, I had lost hope. Alcoholic drinking was normal drinking for me. Alcohol had defeated me.
When I came to AA, I realized all the above was true because I was powerless over alcohol. AA helped me grasp the basic and undeniable fact that I had a problem with alcohol. This acknowledgment on my part was my first step towards recovery.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
It was my drinking that caused all those unfortunate circumstances.
I had this rock n' roll fantasy. I really expected to be dead by the time I was 30. Joplin, Hendricks, and Morrison were so why not me. After all, all our first names started with the letter J.
When I was 18, and if you asked me where I thought I would in 10 years, I'm not exactly sure what my answers would have been, but I can assure you, going to AA meetings would not have been one of them. I'm not even sure I had even heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fortunately for me, that's where I was, and with a year's sobriety besides.
I would say within a year of legally buying my first drink, I was a daily drinker. And until I went to my first AA meeting, my life evolved about getting the next drink. Towards the end of my drinking life I became a true social drinker. Whatever you were buying I was drinking. It doesn't get more sociable than that. I lived just for today, getting that next drink, one day at a time.
It was the beginning of June, 1974 when I went to my first AA meeting. I met the people and heard their stories. I was relieved to hear that my problems revolved around my addiction to alcohol. For years I believed it was the unfortunate circumstances in my life that caused me to drink. What I heard at that first AA meeting was just the opposite. It was my drinking that caused all those unfortunate circumstances. So when I found out the ONLY THING wrong with me that was I was an alcoholic, a large weight was lifted off my shoulders. I believed I was cursed and doomed for life. Hearing this was like being on death row and getting a reprieve from the governor. This was cool. All I needed was for these AA people to show me what to do, and I be on my merry way. Well, not so fast, and not so simple.
I had this withdrawal issue to deal with. An being homeless and sober isn't cool either. Fortunately for me, the friend that brought to my first meeting allowed me to temporarily stay at his place as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. He had helped me get one of my old jobs back. Both he and the company were willing to help me as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. I argeed. It really wasn't a hard sell on either of their parts. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Besides, I had nowhere else go, for now.
I never thought I'd have 37 years of sobrieity. But one day at a time, here we are.
When I was 18, and if you asked me where I thought I would in 10 years, I'm not exactly sure what my answers would have been, but I can assure you, going to AA meetings would not have been one of them. I'm not even sure I had even heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fortunately for me, that's where I was, and with a year's sobriety besides.
I would say within a year of legally buying my first drink, I was a daily drinker. And until I went to my first AA meeting, my life evolved about getting the next drink. Towards the end of my drinking life I became a true social drinker. Whatever you were buying I was drinking. It doesn't get more sociable than that. I lived just for today, getting that next drink, one day at a time.
It was the beginning of June, 1974 when I went to my first AA meeting. I met the people and heard their stories. I was relieved to hear that my problems revolved around my addiction to alcohol. For years I believed it was the unfortunate circumstances in my life that caused me to drink. What I heard at that first AA meeting was just the opposite. It was my drinking that caused all those unfortunate circumstances. So when I found out the ONLY THING wrong with me that was I was an alcoholic, a large weight was lifted off my shoulders. I believed I was cursed and doomed for life. Hearing this was like being on death row and getting a reprieve from the governor. This was cool. All I needed was for these AA people to show me what to do, and I be on my merry way. Well, not so fast, and not so simple.
I had this withdrawal issue to deal with. An being homeless and sober isn't cool either. Fortunately for me, the friend that brought to my first meeting allowed me to temporarily stay at his place as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. He had helped me get one of my old jobs back. Both he and the company were willing to help me as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. I argeed. It really wasn't a hard sell on either of their parts. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Besides, I had nowhere else go, for now.
I never thought I'd have 37 years of sobrieity. But one day at a time, here we are.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Steps to Addiction
The four steps leading to addiction are a continual process. Usually addiction does not happen overnight. They vary in the time required to take them. It could take twenty years for an alcoholic who started drinking as an adult. Or it could be with lightening speed with someone who tries crack cocaine.
Both adolescents and adults progress through the same steps. However, since the adolescents brain and nervous system is still developing it is more susceptible to drugs. Since adolescents do not have the same internal controls adults usually have, they frequently move through the addiction process ten times faster than adults. This explains why teenagers become a "pot head" or alcoholic in just a few months. These facts helped me to understand what happened to me.
The First Step is Experimentation. If people never try drugs they won't get addicted. So yes it all begins here. Fortunately, many who experiment with drugs do not like the feelings the drug produces, or like being under its influence and stop after the first few times. Unfornuately others, including me, like the good feeling they get and this euphoria brings a person back for more. Continued use leads a person to the next step, Occasional Use.
This Second Step, Occasional Use was short lived for me. This step is also referred to as "social use". At this stage the user is learning how to use the drug "properly". They are helped by more experienced users. This is also the stage where other drugs are added or tried. This is called "polydrug use". Few people only use one drug exclusively, the exception being alcohol. Most use many drugs, depending the amount of money they have or the availability of the drug. If a person loses control under the influence of their drug they fulfill the definition of addiction. Therefore a person may be fully addicted even if they are not a daily user. People who drink uncontrollably from Friday through Sunday and tell themselves and others, "I'm not an alcoholic because I only drink on the weekend", are "weekend alcoholics".
There are some people who can remain at Step Two indefinitely, but many go on to the next step of Regular Use. It's here at Step 3 that usage escalates to almost everyday, if not everyday. The drug now becomes the major focus of their lives. If they are confronted by family or friends they deny that any problem exists, or that it is as bad as it is. All activities revolve around drugs and their drug using friends. The user is frequently intoxicated and anything of value, such as family relationships, school, job performance, health, are being destroyed. At this point addiction, if not already present, is not far away.
What follows is Step Four Full-blown Addiction. The drug use becomes daily and consumes the entire day. Everything, all of life, evolves around getting, keeping and using the drug. What was not destroyed in Step 3, is in Step 4. The abuser has to use the drug to "feel normal" because their brain chemistry has changed so that the drug is now a part of the "normal" functioning of the brain. If the drug is stopped, withdrawal and severe cravings for the drug sets in. Everything good in the drug abuser's life, family, friends, education, job, talents are destroyed.
This is my addicition story. The fact that I started drinking as a teenager is why I moved so quickly through Steps One, Two, and Three. Its a long and difficult road back, and unfortunately many never make it.
Both adolescents and adults progress through the same steps. However, since the adolescents brain and nervous system is still developing it is more susceptible to drugs. Since adolescents do not have the same internal controls adults usually have, they frequently move through the addiction process ten times faster than adults. This explains why teenagers become a "pot head" or alcoholic in just a few months. These facts helped me to understand what happened to me.
The First Step is Experimentation. If people never try drugs they won't get addicted. So yes it all begins here. Fortunately, many who experiment with drugs do not like the feelings the drug produces, or like being under its influence and stop after the first few times. Unfornuately others, including me, like the good feeling they get and this euphoria brings a person back for more. Continued use leads a person to the next step, Occasional Use.
This Second Step, Occasional Use was short lived for me. This step is also referred to as "social use". At this stage the user is learning how to use the drug "properly". They are helped by more experienced users. This is also the stage where other drugs are added or tried. This is called "polydrug use". Few people only use one drug exclusively, the exception being alcohol. Most use many drugs, depending the amount of money they have or the availability of the drug. If a person loses control under the influence of their drug they fulfill the definition of addiction. Therefore a person may be fully addicted even if they are not a daily user. People who drink uncontrollably from Friday through Sunday and tell themselves and others, "I'm not an alcoholic because I only drink on the weekend", are "weekend alcoholics".
There are some people who can remain at Step Two indefinitely, but many go on to the next step of Regular Use. It's here at Step 3 that usage escalates to almost everyday, if not everyday. The drug now becomes the major focus of their lives. If they are confronted by family or friends they deny that any problem exists, or that it is as bad as it is. All activities revolve around drugs and their drug using friends. The user is frequently intoxicated and anything of value, such as family relationships, school, job performance, health, are being destroyed. At this point addiction, if not already present, is not far away.
What follows is Step Four Full-blown Addiction. The drug use becomes daily and consumes the entire day. Everything, all of life, evolves around getting, keeping and using the drug. What was not destroyed in Step 3, is in Step 4. The abuser has to use the drug to "feel normal" because their brain chemistry has changed so that the drug is now a part of the "normal" functioning of the brain. If the drug is stopped, withdrawal and severe cravings for the drug sets in. Everything good in the drug abuser's life, family, friends, education, job, talents are destroyed.
This is my addicition story. The fact that I started drinking as a teenager is why I moved so quickly through Steps One, Two, and Three. Its a long and difficult road back, and unfortunately many never make it.
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