Whenever I used alcohol I was never sure what was going to happen. There were times I could drink in moderation with no adverse affects. At other times my drinking would escalate and I behaved in ways that hurt both myself and others. This was in essence my life being out of control.
These episodes of being out of control made my life unmanageable. It caused me to feel shame, guilt and remorse. I tried to stop but I couldn't. And with each new failure, the shame, guilt and remorse increased. I tried everything in my power to stop and nothing worked.
To cope with the increasing guilt, shame and remorse I lied to myself and others. I was in denial. Worse yet, I had lost hope. Alcoholic drinking was normal drinking for me. Alcohol had defeated me.
When I came to AA, I realized all the above was true because I was powerless over alcohol. AA helped me grasp the basic and undeniable fact that I had a problem with alcohol. This acknowledgment on my part was my first step towards recovery.
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