Dealing with a problem drinker can be a lifelong battle

The work doesn't end simply by knowing what the problem is and knowing how to solve it. Dealing with a problem drinker can be a lifelong battle, one that requires patience and support from everyone around the drinker. Even with that, it can be draining.

I know from experience that the fear surrounding a person who abuses alcohol doesn't go away even after sobriety. All too often, if a teenage drinker is left to continue drinking through their teen years and into adulthood, the chances of alcohol being habitual and affecting their lives long term increases dramatically. Many teens who drink will continue drinking into their college years. Without a parent in college to help guide them, their grades will suffer and possibly their other relationships with friends.

Fortunately, the laws are changing regarding teenage drinking as studies show the effect that advertisement, peer pressure and maturity play in alcohol abuse. Many communities have zero-tolerance laws with serious consequences for a teenager who is caught drinking and driving. Hopefully, these laws will deter underage drinkers from acting impulsively and getting behind the wheel of a car after a night of partying with their friends.

Knowing that teenagers will automatically feel the need to break away from their parents control by experimenting in behaviors we wouldn't normally approve of doesn't change the fact that we are parents. When I look at my children, I worry that they too will go out into the world and make choices that aren't always going to be the right choice. My job as their parent, their teacher, as a person who loves them is to make sure they are armed with as much knowledge as they can have regarding the dangers of engaging in underage drinking and how it can affect their entire lives.

Through guidance, support, and love, most children will make it through their teenage years without feeling the loss and grief that so many parents have faced when a child dies because of an alcohol related accident. We can do our part by educated them, making sure that laws continue to be enforced to protect them against underage drinking to give them the best chance to have the fullest life possible.

Alcohol Abuse and the Effect on the Family: Teenager vs. Parent

Many parents want to believe that the erratic behavior of their teenager is due to normal adolescent development and not substance abuse. That may very well be. The teenage years can be a very trying time for both the parent and the teenager under the best of circumstances. However it doesn't mean that a parent should turn a blind eye to their child's behavior.

While teenagers do become argumentative and "mouthy" with their parents on occasion during their teenage years, a teenager who is using alcohol either occasionally or frequently will tend to have more frequent and more severe mood swings due to the effects of alcohol on their young body. As the situation grows more severe, a parent might even notice that money or other valuables have been taken from household as a way to pay for an increased habit. After all, not every family has a liquor cabinet that other friends can steal alcohol from.

It can be a very delicate situation to confront your teenager if you suspect that alcohol use has become a problem. But it is important to act quickly before the problem gets out of hand. No matter how difficult it will be to confront your teenager, you must do it and let them know that you are aware of the problem. Sometimes letting them know that they are not fooling you with their behavior is the first step to their stopping it.

The damage that is done to a teenager's body from alcohol abuse is quicker than that of an adult's. Teenagers don't think in long-range terms. They see the here and now and live for the moment. But continued use of alcohol could end up meaning that your child will be battling a lifelong problem either with health issues or alcoholism.

First try talking to your teenager. More likely than not they will become angry, defensive, and deny that there's problem. That's normal and something that you should expect. Make them aware of whatever house rules you have regarding alcohol use and the consequences if those rules are broken.

If the situation has moved beyond occasional use and you fear that your child is headed towards alcoholism, it's best to seek the advice of a professional. While your child won't readily cooperate with going to see a counselor or even a member of the clergy, you can make your teenager's physician aware of your concerns. During a routine physical your teenager's doctor can have a candid discussion with your child and make them aware of the dangers they face by continuing to use alcohol.

If that doesn't help, you may want to consider taking your child to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting. These meetings have strict rules and while you might hope that having your teenager see how alcohol has affected other people's lives will be enough to knock some sense into them, that might not always be the case.

No one at an AA meeting is there to save your child. They are simply there to share their experiences in the hopes that they can enlighten someone who is facing the same struggle with alcohol that they have had; and in turn give encouragement to help someone dealing with alcohol abuse to help themselves.

It doesn't end there. There are also support groups for family members who are dealing with a person who has an alcohol problem. Al-Anon and Alateen are support groups very much like their counterpart Alcoholics Anonymous. These groups provide a support system for people who are affected by alcoholics in their life.

It is hard to sit back and watch a person that you care about become self-destructive through the use of alcohol. Many times a parent or sibling or friend will blame themselves for not doing enough to help the person who has the problem. They will experience feelings of anger, fear, disappointment and confusion as to why the person has continued to behave the way they have. Al-Anon and Alateen give a nonjudgmental forum through closed meetings for people to share their experiences with other people who are going through the same problem.

Many times a family member or friend will think that they are the only one going through this problem. Only by sharing the problems that they are facing with others who are also going through similar experiences can they begin to understand how to deal with their feelings of guilt and fear as their family struggles through the crisis.

Members of Al-anon and Alateen help each other and their family members by living the Twelve Step program that was established by Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcohol Abuse and the Effect on the Family

Some people like to argue that the problem with alcoholism and teenage drinking lies with the alcoholic, not the people around him or her. They are the person who needs to do the changing. They are the person who needs to do the work to get their life back in control. And to an extent, that is true.

But try telling that to a parent with the child who has a problem with drinking. The truth is it is hard to see a loved one go through problems with drinking alcohol. Not just for the person who was abusing alcohol, but also for all the people who live with that person.

The teenage years are particularly worrisome for any parent. Children are pushing forward with new found autonomy. The struggle between keeping a child safe and allowing them the room to grow and become independent people in the outside world is a tough balancing act for any parent. Add the fact that some teenagers start experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and it only increases a parent's worry.

When a parent suspects that their child is using alcohol either occasionally or frequently, the first reaction is to pull that child back into the house and prevent them from being exposed to the influences, whether they are due to the media or through newfound friends. But that would be a mistake. Most parents know that although they don't like the sense that they are losing control over their teenager's behavior, it is a part of growing up. That doesn't mean a parent is powerless when a child is using alcohol.

Parents: Whether the parents of the teenage drinker are still married or living apart, many times the struggle with a teenage drinker will carry over into the parents' relationship. Parents begin to argue over the best way to handle a problem situation with a child who is partaking in underage drinking. They may or may not agree regarding the best course of action for their child. They may also blame the other parent for their actions in either not doing enough to stop the problem with their teenage drinker, or being overprotective and enabling them.

Having a teenage drinker can create a tremendous strain on the marriage and many times it only becomes an excuse for a teenager to drink more as a way of escaping his or her parent's struggles.

Parents should show a united front when dealing with the problems they face with a teen that is drinking alcohol or using drugs. No matter how they feel about either person's actions, it is important for the teenager to know that both parents are on the same page regarding their feelings over the teen's use of alcohol. While everyone deals with stress and emotional turmoil differently, some turning to silence while others feel the need to vent, the message that both parents send should be loud and clear. Let your child know that you love them, support them, but do not approve of underage drinking.

Ways to Keep Your Child From Drinking

More than 60% of teens who drink say they get alcoholic beverages from family and friends. If you have alcohol in the house, lock it up. Don't make it accessible to your children, especially if you are not home. Don't assume because your child has never tried alcohol before that they won't sneak a drink with their friends in the future when you aren't around.

Also, know how much alcohol you have in your house at all times. Kids are crafty and adding a little water to vodka might hide the fact that they took a few shots, but if you're not paying attention to how much booze you have, how will you ever know? Let your child know that you are aware of how much alcohol you have in the house and that you won't tolerate them taking it. Always give the consequences of what will happen if you find any alcohol missing so they know what to expect.

There are some parents that feel that talking to their children about alcohol use and abuse will only make them more curious about it and therefore more apt to try it. Nothing could be further from the true. Knowledge is power and informing your teenagers of the risks of alcohol use and abuse will help them make better choices when they are out of your care.

So what can you do to keep your child from drinking?

Here are some tips on how to talk to your child about alcohol.

• Start talking about your rules of "no use" early on. Don't wait until your child is a teen or even a pre-teen to discuss alcohol use and its potential harm. And don't assume your child already knows your feelings about the subject, especially if you occasionally indulge in a glass of wine or can of beer. Studies show that children who hear their parents state the rule of "no use" are 42% less likely to drink alcohol as teens than those who do not hear it.

• Talk to your children about what is expected of them. Children are more afraid of losing the respect and pride of a parent than acting out against them. Don't just make an opportunity to talk to your child about alcohol and drugs. Use everyday opportunities and make the conversation part of your life. Children are more likely to bring up the subject themselves if you make the conversation easy such as over dinner, riding in the car, cleaning the kitchen, instead of making "the talk" a big deal.

• Use what is happening in the community to discuss the problem. If a teenager has been in an accident or there is news of an alcohol related situation in the news, use that opportunity to discuss the consequences with your child. Tell them how you'd feel if the situation was happening to them. They may roll their eyes or give you a standard, "I know all that," answer. However, every time you discuss it, a little more will sink in.

• Don't criticize if your child doesn't seem to take the conversation seriously. Children sometimes mask their feelings by changing the subject or making light of a situation. It's probably affected them more than you think.

• Don't yell if your child gets defensive. Everyone knows that adolescents can have quick tongues and it's easy for them to say the wrong thing leaving a parent wanting to issue a reprimand. There's a lot going on in your teenager's head and they can only absorb so much at a time. You'll have the opportunity to revisit the subject again as long as you keep the lines of communication open. How you react the first time will dictate how comfortable your teenager will feel coming to you on his or her own.

Recognizing the Signs of Alcohol Abuse

With so many parents working long hours, it is easy to either miss the signs of alcohol abuse or explain them away. Many parents don't want to believe that their beloved child is engaging in alcohol use. But burying your head in the sand is the worst thing you can do regarding your child and your family.

Some people believe that only "those" types of teens drink alcohol and that "good" kids won't drink or become alcoholics. But that's not true. Here are some questions that all parents must ask themselves about their child and warning signs that parents should be looking for.

 Does another member of the family have of drinking problem?

 Is my child experiencing a loss in their life either through divorce, death, or a break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend?

 Has my child experienced bullying, physical or sexual abuse?

 Is my child avoiding friends or family and spending a great deal of time alone?

 Is my child getting in trouble at school by cutting classes or cutting school, sometimes for days in a row?

 Has my child's grades started to fall with no apparent reason why?

 Has my child lost interest in their favorite hobbies and activities?

 When my child's talks about his friends, are they friends that I know? Does he become defensive about them, and has he abandoned his old friends for these new friends?

 Does my child constantly argue with me and other members of the family for no apparent reason?

 Does my child seem lethargic, hung over, confused, or have difficulty remembering certain things?

Obviously, any of these things listed above can be because of circumstances other than alcohol abuse. But if your child is experiencing any of the above, at the very least it is time to sit them down and have a serious talk about what is going on.

Too often we become so wrapped up in our daily responsibilities that it's easy to miss the signs of a problem like alcohol or drug abuse until it is hitting us in the face. It can sometimes be hard to admit that the child we love so dearly has slipped into behavior that is frightening, potentially dangerous, and sometimes even out of control.

If you find that your child is drinking alcohol and it is starting to affect his or her schoolwork and life at home, talk to your school counselor and health care provider. Ask them for advice on how to handle the problem. Making the school aware that there might be a problem can help ward off problems at school.

Many times parents are not aware that a child is drinking because they've become good at hiding it just like adult alcoholics. Some teens that drink alcohol before school remain buzzed during the day and then go home on the bus tired and sober.

It's easy for a parent to think that the child is tired because they've gotten up early and had a long day at school. If the school counselor and administration is aware of the problem, they can be on the lookout for any strange behavior during school hours.

Ways to Prevent Underage Drinking: Establish School-Based Programs & Be Your Teenagers Biggest Fan

There are programs available to the schools that talk about drugs and alcohol. The Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, better known as D.A.R.E., has been instrumental in educating youth groups about the dangers of drugs and alcohol abuse.

However, this program alone is not enough. Many times the school will sponsor a program in elementary school or talk about the dangers of alcohol use in health class but then teenagers never hear about it again. These programs need to be ongoing. They don't necessarily have to be "in your face", but usually by the time the child reaches their teen years the tools they learned in a D.A.R.E. program have long been forgotten.

If there is not a program for teenagers in your community, talk to your school or town administrators about establishing one.

By the time your teenager reaches high school they may be embarrassed to even admit that they have parents. Don't let it upset you. It's normal. But even though your child might be thinking this way, they really don't feel this way.

When your child insists that you know nothing, are uncool, or are the strictest parent in the world, just smile. They might think you are strict but you know that you're just doing your job as their parent. Tell them how much you love them and how you are their biggest fan. Let them know how proud you are of everything that they accomplish and of the wonderful person that they are becoming.

They may roll their eyes at you and be embarrassed, but on the inside they will appreciate knowing that they are loved and that you care.

Ways to Prevent Underage Drinking: Keep a Watchful Eye on Your Liquor Cabinet

While not everyone keeps a well stocked liquor cabinet in their home, some people who like to entertain do have alcohol on hand for when guests come to their house. If you do have alcohol in your home, make sure you are keeping tabs on how much you are using. Also, let your teenagers know that you will be checking to make sure that no alcohol is missing.

If a teenager knows that there's a lot of alcohol available at their fingertips, they're more likely to take "just a little sip" with their friends. That little sip can quickly turn into a few drinks and before you know it you have drunk teenagers on your hands. Even worse, those little sips could turn into beginnings of alcoholism.

Let your child know the consequences of what will happen if they touch the alcohol without your knowledge. If you do find alcohol missing from your home, make sure you enforce the consequences. If you don't back up your words with action, your words will mean nothing to your teenager and there will be no reason for them not to drink.

Ways to Prevent Underage Drinking: Keep the Drinking Age at 21 & Enforce No-Tolerance Laws

All 50 states as well as the District of Columbia have a minimum drinking age of 21. Although periodically there is some discussion to lower the drinking age back to age 18, usually by the 18 to 20 year-old crowd, the minimum drinking age of 21 has held steady for over 20 years.

During that time many studies have been made as to the effectiveness of keeping the minimum drinking age at 21. These studies have clearly shown that alcohol-related deaths and accidents are markedly reduced when teens are not allowed to drink until the age of 21. Many legislators have vowed to fight any bills that will change the drinking age to 18 again.

The problem with many teenagers is they feel that they are untouchable by the law because they are under age. Of course that's not true, but if the laws that lawmakers have enacted are only there to act as a threat, they won't be effective. Teenagers need to know about the no-tolerance laws on underage alcohol use. Likewise, those laws need to be enforced. If teenagers are not held accountable for their actions, it sends a message to other teenagers that those laws and rules don't apply to them.

Ways to Prevent Underage Drinking:Spend Family Time Together

For years I've heard about how families should spend quality time together. Quality time isn't about going to a theme park or taking the kids to the mall. Quality time is any time where you and your child connect.

Make sure you plan time to sit down as a family for meals, watching TV, or doing chores around the house. Teenagers tend to spend more time alone as they grow into adulthood. It may sometimes be hard to pull them out of the room so you can have a conversation with them. But the more you do it, the more of a connection you will be making with your teenager, and the more likely they will be to talk to you about alcohol and problems they may be having. You'll also get a better idea of what is going on in their life and will be able to ward off any potential problems.

Ways to Prevent Underage Drinking: Develop a No Questions Asked Agreement with Your Teen

A no questions asked agreement needs to be talked about carefully, but is one that I've instituted with my own child. If your child finds themselves in a situation that could be harmful, whether it be at a party where there are drugs and alcohol, or if they've put themselves in a situation that they know you'll be angry about but that they know they shouldn't be in, tell them to call you to pick them up no questions asked with the understanding that you will talk about the situation at a later time, perhaps the next day.

This type of arrangement is beneficial for several reasons. First, you are getting your child out of the situation that might be potentially harmful to them. That is the most important thing at that point. Second, you are allowing your child to recognize that they may have made a bad choice and giving them the opportunity to correct that bad choice.

By asking no questions at the time you pick up your child you are allowing your child to get out of a bad situation without the fear of being reprimanded in front of their peers or at a time when they already feel badly. When you pick up your child, commend them for having the maturity to call and make the right choice. Tell them that you will talk about the situation the next day when you've both had time to sleep on it. As hard as it is not to grill your teenager at that point, it will give both of you the room to think about the situation.

When you do sit down and talk to your teenager about the incident, make sure you don't yell. If your teenager thinks that they will be lectured, they're less likely to be open to talking about the situation honestly. Allow your child the room to tell you how they came to be in that situation, what happened to prompt them to call you, and what they would do differently next time around.

Remember, this is not the only situation your teenager will encounter in their life where they will need to make a good judgment call. If you can help guide them at this age, they'll be able to make better choices when you are not their to rescue them from a situation when they are an adult.

Ways to Prevent Underage Drinking: Enforce Curfews

As soon as teenagers get a little bit of freedom, they like to let loose. That's fine. Exercising independence is part of growing to adulthood and a way for teenagers to learn. However, they do need boundaries and as their parent, you need to set those boundaries.

Discuss with your child what your curfew rules are. Make sure they are aware of any consequences if they miss a curfew for any reason that is not appropriate. Also let them know that if they are going to miss a curfew because they were either detained due to circumstances beyond their control (such as another adult driver being late to pick them up or a movie that is getting out later than planned) that they should call you to let you know rather than trying to rush home to make curfew.

Make them aware that the more responsible decisions they make the more you will feel comfortable letting them have freedom. Also let them know that once they betray your trust, it will take a long time to get that trust back again.

Encourage them to be honest about what is going on even if it is something they think you might be upset about. When they do come to talk to you about a situation that is troubling them, try not to overreact. Praise them for having the maturity to come to you about it and then discuss the problem and suggest that your child be a part of the solution. This will make your child feel like they have a little bit of control over their independence as well.