Many addicts and alcoholics have referred to the early stages of recovery as being typical of a “pink cloud” syndrome in which the first signs of success make a person think they are “free forever”. In phase two, we learn that this is not the case. We may have stopped our drinking or our co-dependant relationship but we haven’t rooted out the real culprit beneath the surface. Without humility and a true relationship with Higher Power, we know that our efforts will not likely have a lasting effect. Our Higher Power helps us to keep tabs on the addiction and to continually develop spiritually.
In order to keep its hold on the person, the addiction looks for any chance to lull us into a complacency and tell us that we don’t need to make the same efforts we used to make. “We are cured!” says the addiction and gives us the “ok” to give up on this spiritual quest. If we listen to the lies of our addiction, we will soon be presented with a rude awakening and find ourselves right back in phase one of our recovery.
If we are wise, and wish to move on to phase two recovery, we will likely have seen others whose pride has led them into dangerous places and who have relapsed or even ended up in worse places than when they first started. As we now know, although we may be able to quit the first addiction, another one will certainly raise its ugly head and a legion of addictions will eventually appear which never were a problem beforehand. This is the wisdom that countless addicts and alcoholics have found to be the truth after years of abstinence from either one drug or one behavior in their lives. Multiple addictions are the true reality which hides beneath the surface and only the very determined seeker who sticks by their commitment to overcome this disease will ever understand this problem at its root. In phase two recovery we begin to see that our addiction is a constant source of problems and every addiction can ultimately lead us back to the earlier phase of our recovery if we aren’t careful.
Determined quitters in phase two have sometimes compared addiction to a sinking ship. The "captain", who runs the ship, is racing around trying to plug up the holes in the stern. Just when the captain thinks he's got all the holes plugged, he gets the terrible news that there are a whole new set of leaks at the bow of the ship. The leaks just keep on coming! People who try to quit smoking always end up eating a lot more. Girlfriends who break up with their abusive spouse "Butch" always ends up marrying another chauvinist named "Rocko". The problem, which has always been the same, continues to spring up and create a leak. Phase two recovery shows us how to keep watch on these problems each and every day. Through prayer and meditation, we may begin to develop a deeper relationship with a Higher Power that can get us through our darkest times.
Regardless of the changing perceptions and changing fads of each drug or addictive behavior, as long as the real problem is not identified, the underlying problem continues. Many centuries ago, it was opium and alcohol that were the big problem. Today, it is "ecstasy" and "crack cocaine". The different addictions have changed but, if we are to make a real go at the process of recovery, we must begin to look more closely at the real underlying problem in order to get to the real solution. In phase two recovery we begin to read more and more material about spiritual recovery and how to address the problems of our addiction. We begin to join more groups and to expand our circle of friends into new areas. We take on new jobs and greater challenges in order to face our fears and to overcome our negative emotions such as apathy, depression or anger. Each day becomes an added challenge to facing our character defects and making ourselves more suited to what will eventually become phase three of our recovery.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Phase Two Recovery - Dawn of a New Life
Phase two signals the dawn of a new life and some freedom to tackle new challenges that we may have never thought we were capable of in the past. Still, the addiction has likely been devising some new plans during these changes we have made and it isn't going to give up that easy. Our addiction has been around for a while and it isn’t going to give up its hold on us in just one day. Although we have gotten some freedom from our most troubling addictions, we still must recognize that we cannot abandon our efforts just because we have a bit of freedom. We are grateful to a Higher Power for the new freedom we have gained but we don’t become overly prideful else we might lose the progress we have made.
Actual experience brings a newfound relationship with a Higher Power. It can be heard in our voices and seen in our body language once it starts to take effect in our lives. We are happier, calmer and more confident than we have been. Our spiritual life has taken hold of us through our actions and our addiction is no longer running the show as it did before. Actions develop and change as we progress. As our actions change, so do our perceptions of ourselves. This can be a good thing but it can also signal a new chance for our addiction to take over if we aren’t careful. We may start to focus more on our intellectual understanding of addiction rather than our practical recovery. If we wish to truly maintain our place in phase two recovery, we must remember that the addiction never sleeps! Rather than seeing these great new changes as something that "we" have done, we now begin to see the need to remember our Higher Power in everything that we have. Maintaining our humility is the critical element of phase two recovery.
Although the addiction refuses to be rooted out, we still know that some progress has been made in phase two. This is something that we can point our fingers at in our lives. We no longer drink as we used to drink! We no longer hide from the personal problems that we have suffered from. Still, we now know that addiction is extremely clever so it will typically celebrate the achievements of recovery with an overly strong sense of pride which can sometimes be our downfall. For this, we have turned to a Higher Power to help us through the trials and tribulations that recovery might bring.
Actual experience brings a newfound relationship with a Higher Power. It can be heard in our voices and seen in our body language once it starts to take effect in our lives. We are happier, calmer and more confident than we have been. Our spiritual life has taken hold of us through our actions and our addiction is no longer running the show as it did before. Actions develop and change as we progress. As our actions change, so do our perceptions of ourselves. This can be a good thing but it can also signal a new chance for our addiction to take over if we aren’t careful. We may start to focus more on our intellectual understanding of addiction rather than our practical recovery. If we wish to truly maintain our place in phase two recovery, we must remember that the addiction never sleeps! Rather than seeing these great new changes as something that "we" have done, we now begin to see the need to remember our Higher Power in everything that we have. Maintaining our humility is the critical element of phase two recovery.
Although the addiction refuses to be rooted out, we still know that some progress has been made in phase two. This is something that we can point our fingers at in our lives. We no longer drink as we used to drink! We no longer hide from the personal problems that we have suffered from. Still, we now know that addiction is extremely clever so it will typically celebrate the achievements of recovery with an overly strong sense of pride which can sometimes be our downfall. For this, we have turned to a Higher Power to help us through the trials and tribulations that recovery might bring.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Understanding Our Problem
The different drugs and behaviors that make up the various addictions continue to change for us everyday. They are like a virus that keeps mutating into a newer and stronger strains. Although, the underlying principle of recovery remains the same, the more determined quitter comes to see that it is more than one drug or one drink or even a certain set of behaviors that are causing the problem. It is actually a self-centeredness in our ego which is a the root of this very common disease. We want to believe that we are all powerful and all knowing and it is our ego which constantly reminds us of this desire. Coming to understand the manner in which our negative emotions hold us down and prevent us from experiencing a more happy existence is the first part of understanding our problem.
The very core of the ego can be seen as an addiction in and of itself and that, in spiritual work, a constant stream of thoughts and emotions must eventually be transcended if we are to reach our True Self. Learning to sit still and be quiet can be extremely hard for many of us who have been running and gunning most of our lives. In phase two, however, we learn that overcoming the addictive tendencies of the ego is now a wider project that includes our entire ego.
After we gain some freedom from our old habits, we may begin to look toward an even greater degree of happiness in our future. This is something that we may only begin to envision in phase two of our recovery. It is one of the greatest gifts of a spiritually determined person to know that they have made real progress and that they now have a very real spiritual life which they can build upon in order to make their life even better than it has already become.
The very core of the ego can be seen as an addiction in and of itself and that, in spiritual work, a constant stream of thoughts and emotions must eventually be transcended if we are to reach our True Self. Learning to sit still and be quiet can be extremely hard for many of us who have been running and gunning most of our lives. In phase two, however, we learn that overcoming the addictive tendencies of the ego is now a wider project that includes our entire ego.
After we gain some freedom from our old habits, we may begin to look toward an even greater degree of happiness in our future. This is something that we may only begin to envision in phase two of our recovery. It is one of the greatest gifts of a spiritually determined person to know that they have made real progress and that they now have a very real spiritual life which they can build upon in order to make their life even better than it has already become.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Finding a Higher Power
Having learned that we can’t make any real or lasting progress on our own, we begin to find the courage to look elsewhere, outside of ourselves, for some help. This may involve various groups, counselors, teachers and books to aid us in our recovery. Emotional maturity comes through hard work. We don't become doctors and lawyers and accountants without studying hard and going to school and we won't gain emotional maturity without also putting a lot of extra effort and time into the project.
Typically, the things that we find ourselves afraid to do will be a signal to us in phase one of our recovery. If we are afraid to go to meetings, then we probably need more meetings. If we don’t like to sit still and read, then we probably need to sit still and read. In Phase one recovery, we begin to see that our entire being is subject to our own selfish inner will. We have to examine ourselves and search for our weaknesses. We have to also begin to utilize the higher emotions that will replace the older negative emotions. A “Higher Power” becomes a reality when we learn to face our inner attractions or aversions and, instead, instill that Higher Power into our lives.
Of course, the application of the ideas which are presented in the 12-step groups take a lot work and effort to be put into practice. Attending 12-step meetings and changing our lifestyle won’t just happen by reading a book. It will take a stringent application of many of the suggestions which are commonly given at these groups such as reaching out to help others, providing service to others, utilizing prayer and meditation for a better life. It is not something that can be talked about so much as it has to be done. As we begin to take these ideas seriously, we begin to look at the things that we "over-indulge" in and begin to watch ourselves more closely around our negative behaviors. We may keep better track of our spending habits or our obsessive television watching. We may start a daily calendar and check off the number of times we did something we told ourselves we “wouldn't do”. Once we have safely put our worst habits behind us, it then becomes possible to actually look at other habits that we never even dreamed of changing. This is the process of phase one recovery and the beginning of a relief from the problem of multiple addictions.
We might never have thought about changing other habits in our lives if we hadn’t cleared the landscape of the first and most detrimental phase one addictions or attachments. These attachments were often associated with our most negative emotions like shame and guilt. Many people carry these addictions into their thirties and forties without ever really facing their own spiritual development. As spiritual aspirants, the initial "clearing away" is the means by which a Higher Power eventually enters our lives. We also come to recognize that recovery wasn’t really possible without that Higher Power. Phase one recovery is a process toward a greater happiness for us and a greater happiness for the others around us.
Typically, the things that we find ourselves afraid to do will be a signal to us in phase one of our recovery. If we are afraid to go to meetings, then we probably need more meetings. If we don’t like to sit still and read, then we probably need to sit still and read. In Phase one recovery, we begin to see that our entire being is subject to our own selfish inner will. We have to examine ourselves and search for our weaknesses. We have to also begin to utilize the higher emotions that will replace the older negative emotions. A “Higher Power” becomes a reality when we learn to face our inner attractions or aversions and, instead, instill that Higher Power into our lives.
Of course, the application of the ideas which are presented in the 12-step groups take a lot work and effort to be put into practice. Attending 12-step meetings and changing our lifestyle won’t just happen by reading a book. It will take a stringent application of many of the suggestions which are commonly given at these groups such as reaching out to help others, providing service to others, utilizing prayer and meditation for a better life. It is not something that can be talked about so much as it has to be done. As we begin to take these ideas seriously, we begin to look at the things that we "over-indulge" in and begin to watch ourselves more closely around our negative behaviors. We may keep better track of our spending habits or our obsessive television watching. We may start a daily calendar and check off the number of times we did something we told ourselves we “wouldn't do”. Once we have safely put our worst habits behind us, it then becomes possible to actually look at other habits that we never even dreamed of changing. This is the process of phase one recovery and the beginning of a relief from the problem of multiple addictions.
We might never have thought about changing other habits in our lives if we hadn’t cleared the landscape of the first and most detrimental phase one addictions or attachments. These attachments were often associated with our most negative emotions like shame and guilt. Many people carry these addictions into their thirties and forties without ever really facing their own spiritual development. As spiritual aspirants, the initial "clearing away" is the means by which a Higher Power eventually enters our lives. We also come to recognize that recovery wasn’t really possible without that Higher Power. Phase one recovery is a process toward a greater happiness for us and a greater happiness for the others around us.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Phase One Recovery
Although it would be impossible to accurately tell someone they have “entered a certain phase” of recovery, we can generally divide recovery into three levels or phases for a simpler means of explaining the process. Phase one has likely been achieved by everyone at some time or another because we all get to a point in our lives where we want to change something about ourselves in order to be more happy. Let’s look at the most common time of year when people try to “quit” some bad habit......“New Years Day”. Remember how you quit for a while because of the guilt or the dissatisfaction you were experiencing in your life? Then you wanted to go back to the same old behavior but you "forced" yourself not to? This was phase one recovery. If you stayed away for a while, you felt a little better. If not, you told yourself “at least I tried”. Everyone has tried to quit something or thought about doing it at least one time in their lives and everyone has two or three different habits that they would like to quit if they only had the will power. Trying to quit these habits is what is commonly referred to as Phase one recovery.
For those of us who really get serious about quitting, there is an eventual crossroads we must come to somewhere along the way. Should we go back to that same habit again and try to attempt some kind of "moderation" or should we decide to give it up for good? This crossroads is a place where many people turn back and never come to see the true nature of multiple addictions. They never move on to phase two because they didn’t believe there was more beneath the surface. For those others who stay away for good, however, there is a surprising truth that is soon revealed.
Quitting any kind of serious bad habit requires a complete change of lifestyle which brings about the need for other experiences and other habits. In phase one recovery, we learn to substitute our old habits for new ones. Sometimes these new habits are better and less destructive to ourselves and others. Sometimes the new habits are not much better. Whichever the case, in phase one recovery, we start to see that something else must always come along to replace the old problem and, if it doesn’t give us something better, then it leaves us with an entirely new problem. Serious quitters find that it wasn't really the “alcohol” or the “drugs” or the abusive spouse named "Butch" which was their problem. The real problem was always further beneath the surface. Experiencing this is a lot different from just hearing about it. You just can’t just get it by reading a book! You have to go out there and do it!
Phase one recovery presents a person with the actual experiences which are unique to them and which show them the nature of their own personal addictions or attachments. It sets the stage for a truly spiritual life. If we don’t have the devotion or the commitment to completely give something up, we may never come to the point where we can move beyond phase one. Many people never make it far enough to ever experience a new sense of self. They remain children trapped in a grown-ups body.
For phase one recovery, we begin to see what kind of emotional effort it will eventually take to move out of a very serious addiction. This is because addictions are necessarily fueled by our negative emotions and giving these emotions up takes a concerted effort on our part to both witness these emotions in our lives and substitute them for more positive attitudes. In phase one, we learn what it means to need a “Higher Power” for the solution and to give up our old negative emotions which have previously been ruining our lives. We now begin to understand what being a better person can mean to us and we start to have new ideas about the person we could eventually become. We may begin to ask ourselves; “ Does every habit have to be replaced with something new that ultimately becomes the same problem over again?” We don’t just ask this intellectually anymore. Now we begin to ask it through an actual experience of quitting our bad habits and through a real life experience of sacrificing the lower level emotions for the higher ones.
Finding out that there are other problems beneath the surface is all part of phase one recovery. This discovery may be put off for any number of reasons but one of the primary reasons for avoiding this truth is that it sometimes brings about an initial sense of hopelessness or powerlessness in many of us. We want to believe that we are capable of doing anything on our own and that we don’t really need any one else’s help. We want to feel “all-powerful” and we rationalize our problems away so as to be capable of imagining that this fantasy of “all-powerfulness” were somehow true. Confronting the powerlessness of our ego, however, is part of becoming an adult. It is the most important thing that will bring us out of phase one recovery and begin to transition us into phase two of our spiritual growth.
For those of us who really get serious about quitting, there is an eventual crossroads we must come to somewhere along the way. Should we go back to that same habit again and try to attempt some kind of "moderation" or should we decide to give it up for good? This crossroads is a place where many people turn back and never come to see the true nature of multiple addictions. They never move on to phase two because they didn’t believe there was more beneath the surface. For those others who stay away for good, however, there is a surprising truth that is soon revealed.
Quitting any kind of serious bad habit requires a complete change of lifestyle which brings about the need for other experiences and other habits. In phase one recovery, we learn to substitute our old habits for new ones. Sometimes these new habits are better and less destructive to ourselves and others. Sometimes the new habits are not much better. Whichever the case, in phase one recovery, we start to see that something else must always come along to replace the old problem and, if it doesn’t give us something better, then it leaves us with an entirely new problem. Serious quitters find that it wasn't really the “alcohol” or the “drugs” or the abusive spouse named "Butch" which was their problem. The real problem was always further beneath the surface. Experiencing this is a lot different from just hearing about it. You just can’t just get it by reading a book! You have to go out there and do it!
Phase one recovery presents a person with the actual experiences which are unique to them and which show them the nature of their own personal addictions or attachments. It sets the stage for a truly spiritual life. If we don’t have the devotion or the commitment to completely give something up, we may never come to the point where we can move beyond phase one. Many people never make it far enough to ever experience a new sense of self. They remain children trapped in a grown-ups body.
For phase one recovery, we begin to see what kind of emotional effort it will eventually take to move out of a very serious addiction. This is because addictions are necessarily fueled by our negative emotions and giving these emotions up takes a concerted effort on our part to both witness these emotions in our lives and substitute them for more positive attitudes. In phase one, we learn what it means to need a “Higher Power” for the solution and to give up our old negative emotions which have previously been ruining our lives. We now begin to understand what being a better person can mean to us and we start to have new ideas about the person we could eventually become. We may begin to ask ourselves; “ Does every habit have to be replaced with something new that ultimately becomes the same problem over again?” We don’t just ask this intellectually anymore. Now we begin to ask it through an actual experience of quitting our bad habits and through a real life experience of sacrificing the lower level emotions for the higher ones.
Finding out that there are other problems beneath the surface is all part of phase one recovery. This discovery may be put off for any number of reasons but one of the primary reasons for avoiding this truth is that it sometimes brings about an initial sense of hopelessness or powerlessness in many of us. We want to believe that we are capable of doing anything on our own and that we don’t really need any one else’s help. We want to feel “all-powerful” and we rationalize our problems away so as to be capable of imagining that this fantasy of “all-powerfulness” were somehow true. Confronting the powerlessness of our ego, however, is part of becoming an adult. It is the most important thing that will bring us out of phase one recovery and begin to transition us into phase two of our spiritual growth.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Prevention needs a comprehensive, communitywide approach
Although schools can and should play a role in prevention education, Join Together concluded they "should not be relied upon to act as the principal provider of general prevention programs." What works best, they said, is a comprehensive community prevention strategy that includes parents and other social institutions. Schools should also work with parents and these institutions to identify and support students who exhibit early behavior patterns that might be precursors to adolescent substance abuse.
Communities can help prevention efforts by implementing strategies that help reduce underage drinking, such as raising alcohol taxes (the five states with the highest beer taxes have much lower rates of teen binge drinking); tightening the age and terms of drivers' licenses for adolescents; adopting social host laws where adults who serve alcohol to minors are held accountable; controlling the number of alcohol outlets in a particular area; and doing frequent compliance checks to deter sales to minors.
Instead of wasting time and money on ineffective prevention strategies, Join Together recommends that schools adopt proven prevention programs that are researched-based, involve parents and community, offer teacher training and support, and use interactive teaching methods. They also suggest that teachers have easy access to prevention materials, and such information be supplemented in after-school and extra-curricular activities. Ideally, schools should also offer opportunities where older students are trained to help teach younger students about alcohol and drug abuse. Finally, when teachers and administrators have substance abuse prevention education specified as part of their job, their performance should be included in their formal evaluations.
"As the leading publisher of research-based prevention programs, Hazelden knows from experience how effective such programs are in reducing adolescent alcohol and drug use," said Marty Harding, prevention specialist at Hazelden. "But it takes a solid commitment from communities and schools to provide the time and resources necessary so such strategies can be put into action. Select the programs carefully and make sure teachers are given enough training and time to implement them. And be sure to involve parents. When parents, schools, and community join forces and send consistent messages to our young people, it empowers them to make responsible choices, and amazing things can happen."
Go to www.jointogether.org (click on "Get Involved" and "Resources") to access the complete report, "Prevention Education in America's Schools: Findings and Recommendations from a Survey of Educators."
Alive & Free is a health column that offers information to help prevent and address addiction and substance abuse problems. It is provided by Hazelden, a nonprofit agency based in Center City, Minn., that offers a wide range of information and services on addiction and recovery. For more resources, call Hazelden at 1-800-257-7800 or check its Web site at www.hazelden.org.
Communities can help prevention efforts by implementing strategies that help reduce underage drinking, such as raising alcohol taxes (the five states with the highest beer taxes have much lower rates of teen binge drinking); tightening the age and terms of drivers' licenses for adolescents; adopting social host laws where adults who serve alcohol to minors are held accountable; controlling the number of alcohol outlets in a particular area; and doing frequent compliance checks to deter sales to minors.
Instead of wasting time and money on ineffective prevention strategies, Join Together recommends that schools adopt proven prevention programs that are researched-based, involve parents and community, offer teacher training and support, and use interactive teaching methods. They also suggest that teachers have easy access to prevention materials, and such information be supplemented in after-school and extra-curricular activities. Ideally, schools should also offer opportunities where older students are trained to help teach younger students about alcohol and drug abuse. Finally, when teachers and administrators have substance abuse prevention education specified as part of their job, their performance should be included in their formal evaluations.
"As the leading publisher of research-based prevention programs, Hazelden knows from experience how effective such programs are in reducing adolescent alcohol and drug use," said Marty Harding, prevention specialist at Hazelden. "But it takes a solid commitment from communities and schools to provide the time and resources necessary so such strategies can be put into action. Select the programs carefully and make sure teachers are given enough training and time to implement them. And be sure to involve parents. When parents, schools, and community join forces and send consistent messages to our young people, it empowers them to make responsible choices, and amazing things can happen."
Go to www.jointogether.org (click on "Get Involved" and "Resources") to access the complete report, "Prevention Education in America's Schools: Findings and Recommendations from a Survey of Educators."
Alive & Free is a health column that offers information to help prevent and address addiction and substance abuse problems. It is provided by Hazelden, a nonprofit agency based in Center City, Minn., that offers a wide range of information and services on addiction and recovery. For more resources, call Hazelden at 1-800-257-7800 or check its Web site at www.hazelden.org.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Achieving healthy friendships: A lifeline to sobriety
There is an old song that goes "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." While those words work well when sung around a campfire, the reality is that we can't keep each and every friend we make throughout our lives. As we grow more solidly into who we are ultimately becoming, some friendships refashion themselves to accommodate our changes, some friendships have to fade away, and sometimes new and healthier friendships emerge when we let go of a toxic relationship.
"When I was using, it was very clear who my friends were; they were the people I could get high with and the folks who provided the dope," said a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. "Now that I'm sober I realize I never really had any true friends. I learned through AA that friendship takes work and it's not just about me."
Friendship should be treated as a verb--a process of finding out how we want to relate to others and how we want others to relate to us. Friendship takes practice being with other people and learning from our interactions. It is a mutual bond of respect, trust, and vulnerability that encourages healthy growth and acceptance.
For people in recovery from alcoholism, a healthy friendship can be a lifeline to sobriety, just as an unhealthy relationship can be a threat to hard-won abstinence. "It is crucial for recovering people to discern between relationships that are affirming and those that keep them stuck in old roles," said Rosemary Hartman, supervisor of Hazelden's Family Services. "If one friend is in recovery and one isn't, there's a power differential."
People who are chemically dependent themselves often feel threatened when a friend enters recovery, because they may be encouraged to look at their own drug or alcohol use, said Hartman. "They may argue against the person's belief that they have a problem, or pressure them to go to social events or places they know will have drugs or alcohol."
It's often harder for older people in recovery to let go of unhealthy friendships, because friends may have a long history with each other that includes many positive memories, and it's harder in later years to meet new friends, said Hartman. She said recovering people of all ages should ask themselves, "When do I spend time with this person? Have I always used with him or her and do they encourage me to use more? Does this person affirm my efforts to stay sober?"
Hartman said you need to be assertive yet kind, compassionate yet honest with friends, and set new boundaries that honor and insure your abstinence. If your friend cannot support your recovery, you should take a break or end the relationship. "Behave with integrity," she suggests. "Although we can't control how someone else will behave, we are responsible for our own behavior."
Saying goodbye to a friend can be painful, but members of a recovery group can often help because they are also working to maintain healthy relationships in their sobriety. Hartman suggested that, in addition to their regular groups, men and women might benefit from attending an all-male or all-female group where they can meet new friends.
"If you started using at age 14, most of your friendships will be based on using and you'll have little practice on how to make friends," she said. "Recovery groups are safe places to practice new skills. Focus on forming friendships that allow you to be the kind of person you want to be."
Recovery means change, not just for the person who embarks on the recovery journey, but for his or her friends and loved ones, too. Choosing whether to continue a relationship is an important part of recovery, but the better the choices are, the more solid recovery--and friendship--will be.
________________________________________
--Published June 28, 2004
Alive & Free is a health column that provides information to help prevent substance abuse problems and address such problems. It is created by Hazelden, a nonprofit agency based in Center City, Minn., that offers a wide range of information and services on addiction. For more resources, email or call Hazelden at 800-257-7810 (outside the US 651-213-4200).
"When I was using, it was very clear who my friends were; they were the people I could get high with and the folks who provided the dope," said a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. "Now that I'm sober I realize I never really had any true friends. I learned through AA that friendship takes work and it's not just about me."
Friendship should be treated as a verb--a process of finding out how we want to relate to others and how we want others to relate to us. Friendship takes practice being with other people and learning from our interactions. It is a mutual bond of respect, trust, and vulnerability that encourages healthy growth and acceptance.
For people in recovery from alcoholism, a healthy friendship can be a lifeline to sobriety, just as an unhealthy relationship can be a threat to hard-won abstinence. "It is crucial for recovering people to discern between relationships that are affirming and those that keep them stuck in old roles," said Rosemary Hartman, supervisor of Hazelden's Family Services. "If one friend is in recovery and one isn't, there's a power differential."
People who are chemically dependent themselves often feel threatened when a friend enters recovery, because they may be encouraged to look at their own drug or alcohol use, said Hartman. "They may argue against the person's belief that they have a problem, or pressure them to go to social events or places they know will have drugs or alcohol."
It's often harder for older people in recovery to let go of unhealthy friendships, because friends may have a long history with each other that includes many positive memories, and it's harder in later years to meet new friends, said Hartman. She said recovering people of all ages should ask themselves, "When do I spend time with this person? Have I always used with him or her and do they encourage me to use more? Does this person affirm my efforts to stay sober?"
Hartman said you need to be assertive yet kind, compassionate yet honest with friends, and set new boundaries that honor and insure your abstinence. If your friend cannot support your recovery, you should take a break or end the relationship. "Behave with integrity," she suggests. "Although we can't control how someone else will behave, we are responsible for our own behavior."
Saying goodbye to a friend can be painful, but members of a recovery group can often help because they are also working to maintain healthy relationships in their sobriety. Hartman suggested that, in addition to their regular groups, men and women might benefit from attending an all-male or all-female group where they can meet new friends.
"If you started using at age 14, most of your friendships will be based on using and you'll have little practice on how to make friends," she said. "Recovery groups are safe places to practice new skills. Focus on forming friendships that allow you to be the kind of person you want to be."
Recovery means change, not just for the person who embarks on the recovery journey, but for his or her friends and loved ones, too. Choosing whether to continue a relationship is an important part of recovery, but the better the choices are, the more solid recovery--and friendship--will be.
________________________________________
--Published June 28, 2004
Alive & Free is a health column that provides information to help prevent substance abuse problems and address such problems. It is created by Hazelden, a nonprofit agency based in Center City, Minn., that offers a wide range of information and services on addiction. For more resources, email or call Hazelden at 800-257-7810 (outside the US 651-213-4200).
Monday, April 12, 2010
Relapse starts well before the decision to drink or drug again
There's an old saying about recovery from dependence on alcohol or other drugs: Staying clean and sober is easy. Just change everything about your thinking and behavior, and do it now.
According to Al Tighe, supervisor of Continuum Services at Hazelden, it is "stinking thinking" that usually precedes relapse—a return to drinking or other drug use after a period of abstinence.
Tighe has worked in the field of relapse prevention for 23 years. He says that relapse often comes as a surprise to the person in recovery.
"The most common situation I see is a person who wakes up at eight in the morning and says that he feels fine—and then ends up in detox that night," says Tighe.
While this might seem a mystery, relapse is often preceded by subtle changes that occur over a period of time and go unnoticed.
Many of those changes are shifts in attitude, says Tighe: "There's a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous about the importance of HOW, which stands for honesty, openness and willingness. When attitudes like these start to erode, the seeds of relapse are already present."
Tighe recommends the following strategies for preventing relapse:
Remember that addiction is a chronic disease marked by relapse. In terms of potential for relapse, dependence on alcohol and other drugs is not unique. For example, people living with asthma, hypertension and insulin-dependent diabetes must also make long-term changes in attitudes and behavior. When they don't, their health immediately deteriorates.
What's more, the danger of relapse is always present. "We are susceptible to relapse whether we have decades of sobriety or just a few weeks," Tighe says.
Look for "red flags" in attitude change. The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous emphasize a daily review of "character defects." Among them are attitudes that allow people to rationalize a return to drinking or drugging. Examples are a desire to control the outcome of every event and a demand that other people always behave according to our expectations. These represent a general refusal to "live life on life's own terms."
In turn, such attitudes fuel feelings of sadness, anger and fear. And when those feelings reach crisis levels, they prompt the search for a quick "solution" that seemed reliable in the past—alcohol or another drug.
If you're in recovery, remember that your friends and family members can sometimes spot changes in your attitudes long before you can. Give them permission to speak up when they see a "HALT" situation—signs that you're becoming hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Then be willing to listen if you receive this feedback.
Identify high-risk situations. If you're a person in recovery, then you need to prepare for three risks in particular:
• Any person, place or feeling that's been associated with drinking or use of other drugs in the past.
• Any situation where alcohol or other drugs are available.
• Any situation that's associated with high stress.
Create a relapse prevention plan. It's easy to say, "If I ever get in a slippery situation, I'll just call somebody." However, a vague intention is not enough. Write out a plan to handle high-risk situations.
Include specifics such as:
• The names of people you can call when you have thoughts about drinking or drugging again, including phone numbers that you can program into a cell phone.
• Places you can immediately go for help.
• Thoughts that will inspire you to avoid relapse, such as a favorite slogan, prayer or quotation from a recovery book.
Once you have a plan in writing, give copies of it to your sponsor, friends in recovery, family members and other key people. This sheet of paper represents instant accountability—a contract with yourself and others to prevent relapse by taking the actions that sustain a lifetime of sobriety.
Alive & Free is a health column that offers information to help prevent and address addiction and substance abuse problems. It is provided by Hazelden, a nonprofit agency based in Center City, Minn., that offers a wide range of information and services on addiction and recovery. For more resources, call Hazelden at 1-800-257-7800 or check its Web site at www.hazelden.org.
According to Al Tighe, supervisor of Continuum Services at Hazelden, it is "stinking thinking" that usually precedes relapse—a return to drinking or other drug use after a period of abstinence.
Tighe has worked in the field of relapse prevention for 23 years. He says that relapse often comes as a surprise to the person in recovery.
"The most common situation I see is a person who wakes up at eight in the morning and says that he feels fine—and then ends up in detox that night," says Tighe.
While this might seem a mystery, relapse is often preceded by subtle changes that occur over a period of time and go unnoticed.
Many of those changes are shifts in attitude, says Tighe: "There's a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous about the importance of HOW, which stands for honesty, openness and willingness. When attitudes like these start to erode, the seeds of relapse are already present."
Tighe recommends the following strategies for preventing relapse:
Remember that addiction is a chronic disease marked by relapse. In terms of potential for relapse, dependence on alcohol and other drugs is not unique. For example, people living with asthma, hypertension and insulin-dependent diabetes must also make long-term changes in attitudes and behavior. When they don't, their health immediately deteriorates.
What's more, the danger of relapse is always present. "We are susceptible to relapse whether we have decades of sobriety or just a few weeks," Tighe says.
Look for "red flags" in attitude change. The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous emphasize a daily review of "character defects." Among them are attitudes that allow people to rationalize a return to drinking or drugging. Examples are a desire to control the outcome of every event and a demand that other people always behave according to our expectations. These represent a general refusal to "live life on life's own terms."
In turn, such attitudes fuel feelings of sadness, anger and fear. And when those feelings reach crisis levels, they prompt the search for a quick "solution" that seemed reliable in the past—alcohol or another drug.
If you're in recovery, remember that your friends and family members can sometimes spot changes in your attitudes long before you can. Give them permission to speak up when they see a "HALT" situation—signs that you're becoming hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Then be willing to listen if you receive this feedback.
Identify high-risk situations. If you're a person in recovery, then you need to prepare for three risks in particular:
• Any person, place or feeling that's been associated with drinking or use of other drugs in the past.
• Any situation where alcohol or other drugs are available.
• Any situation that's associated with high stress.
Create a relapse prevention plan. It's easy to say, "If I ever get in a slippery situation, I'll just call somebody." However, a vague intention is not enough. Write out a plan to handle high-risk situations.
Include specifics such as:
• The names of people you can call when you have thoughts about drinking or drugging again, including phone numbers that you can program into a cell phone.
• Places you can immediately go for help.
• Thoughts that will inspire you to avoid relapse, such as a favorite slogan, prayer or quotation from a recovery book.
Once you have a plan in writing, give copies of it to your sponsor, friends in recovery, family members and other key people. This sheet of paper represents instant accountability—a contract with yourself and others to prevent relapse by taking the actions that sustain a lifetime of sobriety.
Alive & Free is a health column that offers information to help prevent and address addiction and substance abuse problems. It is provided by Hazelden, a nonprofit agency based in Center City, Minn., that offers a wide range of information and services on addiction and recovery. For more resources, call Hazelden at 1-800-257-7800 or check its Web site at www.hazelden.org.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Multiple Addictions & Denial
The term "multiple addictions" usually conjures up images of a terribly troubled individual plagued by various addictions to pills, sexual perversions and alcoholic beverages. In short, a virtual “circus”. Actually, an extreme case such as this is not usually the norm. Many times the extreme image we raise in our minds is just a way of avoiding the issue of multiple addictions in our own lives. We already have the problem and we use the method of denial in the same way that an extreme addict or alcoholic would use it. We simply say “That isn’t me”. Multiple addictions affect everyone in some way. If the problem has become deadly serious, you may be lucky enough to have others around who will help you. If things still haven’t gotten that bad, then coming to an understanding of the problem may be the first part of the solution.
Oftentimes, people refuse to accept this problem in themselves because they don’t feel they have the strength to overcome it alone. They rationalize it away, calling them “bad habits” and invent the scapegoat image of a drug addict lying in the sewer with a needle hanging from their arm. The image helps to chase away their own very real problem and procrastinate the solution. In and of itself, “Procrastinators Anonymous” is one of the most popular 12-step groups today. It boasts of thousands of members who all deal with this very real problem. Creating a scapegoat image is just another way of displacing our own issues onto the face of another imaginary person. Multiple addictions affect everyone and it is really just a matter of getting honest with yourself about whether you want to quit something or not.
Oftentimes, people refuse to accept this problem in themselves because they don’t feel they have the strength to overcome it alone. They rationalize it away, calling them “bad habits” and invent the scapegoat image of a drug addict lying in the sewer with a needle hanging from their arm. The image helps to chase away their own very real problem and procrastinate the solution. In and of itself, “Procrastinators Anonymous” is one of the most popular 12-step groups today. It boasts of thousands of members who all deal with this very real problem. Creating a scapegoat image is just another way of displacing our own issues onto the face of another imaginary person. Multiple addictions affect everyone and it is really just a matter of getting honest with yourself about whether you want to quit something or not.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Where Can You Find Support?
Whether or not the person you are living with who is addicted to drugs or alcohol receives the treatment they need to start recovery, you will need support. Take comfort in knowing that support is everywhere.
Al-Anon and Alateen are confidential support groups that have regular meetings located nationwide. Some people avoid support groups for fear that the word will get out that they've attended. One of the basic principles of Al-Anon and Alateen is anonymity. To be effective, people who attend meetings need to feel assured that the stories they share will remain among the people who attend the meeting and not go any further.
During a meeting, no one is forced to offer any information they don't feel comfortable with. If you feel like just sitting and listening to other people talk about their situations, that is fine. No one will force you to speak. However, many times after attending a few meetings and seeing that they aren't the only person going through this problem, people feel comfortable talking about their spouse or child's addiction.
You can find information regarding groups like Al-Anon and Alateen by looking in your phone book or by calling your local hospital and speaking with a counselor. Many times there are group meetings that take place right at the hospital. Also, visit Al-Anon and Alateen online at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org. From the website you will find helpful information on alcoholism and information about how to contact your local chapter to get meeting times.
Even if you don't feel comfortable going to an Al-Anon or Alateen support group, you can seek out the support and help in other ways. Seeing a family counselor or counselor trained in dealing with drug and alcohol addictions can help you change your behaviors so that you can cope with what is happening in your home. Some people seek a more spiritual way to deal with their spouse or child who is addicted by seeing a family pastor to discuss their problems.
The point is, a person who is dealing with a loved one who is addicted to drugs or alcohol does not have to deal with this problem alone. There is as much or as little support as you want or need to help you deal with your loved one's addiction. As long as you are committed to changing your life for the better, you will see it through.
Al-Anon and Alateen are confidential support groups that have regular meetings located nationwide. Some people avoid support groups for fear that the word will get out that they've attended. One of the basic principles of Al-Anon and Alateen is anonymity. To be effective, people who attend meetings need to feel assured that the stories they share will remain among the people who attend the meeting and not go any further.
During a meeting, no one is forced to offer any information they don't feel comfortable with. If you feel like just sitting and listening to other people talk about their situations, that is fine. No one will force you to speak. However, many times after attending a few meetings and seeing that they aren't the only person going through this problem, people feel comfortable talking about their spouse or child's addiction.
You can find information regarding groups like Al-Anon and Alateen by looking in your phone book or by calling your local hospital and speaking with a counselor. Many times there are group meetings that take place right at the hospital. Also, visit Al-Anon and Alateen online at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org. From the website you will find helpful information on alcoholism and information about how to contact your local chapter to get meeting times.
Even if you don't feel comfortable going to an Al-Anon or Alateen support group, you can seek out the support and help in other ways. Seeing a family counselor or counselor trained in dealing with drug and alcohol addictions can help you change your behaviors so that you can cope with what is happening in your home. Some people seek a more spiritual way to deal with their spouse or child who is addicted by seeing a family pastor to discuss their problems.
The point is, a person who is dealing with a loved one who is addicted to drugs or alcohol does not have to deal with this problem alone. There is as much or as little support as you want or need to help you deal with your loved one's addiction. As long as you are committed to changing your life for the better, you will see it through.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Parents - Coping with an Addicted Child
It can be devastating when a parent finds out that their child is addicted to drugs or alcohol. It is very easy for a parent to blame themselves for somehow doing something wrong or not being there for their child in some way. But nothing could be further from the truth.
If you suspect that your child is addicted to drugs or alcohol, seek help with your child's pediatrician or school counselor. It can be draining for a parent because not only is the child battling their addiction, they're also battling the normal stages of adolescence that can be a difficult time in a child's life. Getting the child into treatment immediately will help stop the cycle of addiction before it gets out of control.
No matter who you are in relation to the addict, the most important thing you can do to help cope with living with an addict is to seek out support for yourself. Groups like Al-Anon and Alateen have meetings all over the country. At first, it may be painful to go to a meeting. But many people who go to group meetings like Al-Anon or Alateen find that they feel comfort in knowing that they aren't the only one going through this problem.
Many times the education you get by listening to how other people have dealt with a loved one being addicted to drugs or alcohol can be invaluable. Implementing the tools you learn in group support can go a long way toward helping you cope with a loved one who is an addict.
If you suspect that your child is addicted to drugs or alcohol, seek help with your child's pediatrician or school counselor. It can be draining for a parent because not only is the child battling their addiction, they're also battling the normal stages of adolescence that can be a difficult time in a child's life. Getting the child into treatment immediately will help stop the cycle of addiction before it gets out of control.
No matter who you are in relation to the addict, the most important thing you can do to help cope with living with an addict is to seek out support for yourself. Groups like Al-Anon and Alateen have meetings all over the country. At first, it may be painful to go to a meeting. But many people who go to group meetings like Al-Anon or Alateen find that they feel comfort in knowing that they aren't the only one going through this problem.
Many times the education you get by listening to how other people have dealt with a loved one being addicted to drugs or alcohol can be invaluable. Implementing the tools you learn in group support can go a long way toward helping you cope with a loved one who is an addict.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Children - Coping with an Addicted Parent
It is important for children to know that when a parent drinks or takes drugs it is not because the child did anything wrong or because the parent does not love them. All too often a child will take that burden on themselves because there is no one there to tell them that they are not to blame.
If the parent who was an addict is still using drugs or alcohol, the best thing a child can do to cope is to make sure they stay in a safe place. If they know a parent drinks in the afternoon, staying in their room or going to a friend's house that they trust will keep them from having to be exposed to volatile behavior that is common with addiction. If the child is very young that can be hard to do.
By nature children do not want to tattle on their parents. They want to be loyal because they love their parents regardless of the way they behave. Encourage children of alcoholic or drug-addicted parents to talk to another adult that they trust. This person can be a close neighbor that they can run to if the situation in their house becomes dangerous or unbearable. It could be a teacher or another family member the child can call. Knowing that they are not stuck in a situation that is frightening for them will help them feel more secure.
If the child is a teenager, it can be very difficult simply because by nature teenagers are struggling with their own autonomy. Mixing that with an alcoholic or drug-addicted parent can spell disaster. But the same advice holds true for teenagers. Let your teenager know it is okay to seek the help of a teacher at school, a family friend that he or she trusts or another family member.
It helps if the child can be exposed to a normal environment. Spending long weekends during school vacation in another home, whether it be a family member or friend's house, will let the child know that there is an alternative. Not everyone behaves the way an alcoholic or drug abuser behaves. This can help break the cycle of addiction that is so common in families.
Many studies have been conducted on children of alcoholic parents. These studies show that children who have a strong, consistent family member present in their life who they feel safe coming to can grow up and move past the pain they experienced as children with alcoholic parents.
Finally, encourage the child to talk about what is happening honestly. Just like adults, children have feelings of embarrassment and guilt. Admitting that your parent is an alcoholic or drug user can be difficult for a child, but it is important to acknowledge the problem before the problem can be solved. Just like with adults, a child can't stop their parent from drinking or using drugs; therefore, it is vital that the responsible adult is able to assure the child that they didn't do anything wrong and that they can't do anything to change their parent. The parent has to be the one to make that change.
If the parent who was an addict is still using drugs or alcohol, the best thing a child can do to cope is to make sure they stay in a safe place. If they know a parent drinks in the afternoon, staying in their room or going to a friend's house that they trust will keep them from having to be exposed to volatile behavior that is common with addiction. If the child is very young that can be hard to do.
By nature children do not want to tattle on their parents. They want to be loyal because they love their parents regardless of the way they behave. Encourage children of alcoholic or drug-addicted parents to talk to another adult that they trust. This person can be a close neighbor that they can run to if the situation in their house becomes dangerous or unbearable. It could be a teacher or another family member the child can call. Knowing that they are not stuck in a situation that is frightening for them will help them feel more secure.
If the child is a teenager, it can be very difficult simply because by nature teenagers are struggling with their own autonomy. Mixing that with an alcoholic or drug-addicted parent can spell disaster. But the same advice holds true for teenagers. Let your teenager know it is okay to seek the help of a teacher at school, a family friend that he or she trusts or another family member.
It helps if the child can be exposed to a normal environment. Spending long weekends during school vacation in another home, whether it be a family member or friend's house, will let the child know that there is an alternative. Not everyone behaves the way an alcoholic or drug abuser behaves. This can help break the cycle of addiction that is so common in families.
Many studies have been conducted on children of alcoholic parents. These studies show that children who have a strong, consistent family member present in their life who they feel safe coming to can grow up and move past the pain they experienced as children with alcoholic parents.
Finally, encourage the child to talk about what is happening honestly. Just like adults, children have feelings of embarrassment and guilt. Admitting that your parent is an alcoholic or drug user can be difficult for a child, but it is important to acknowledge the problem before the problem can be solved. Just like with adults, a child can't stop their parent from drinking or using drugs; therefore, it is vital that the responsible adult is able to assure the child that they didn't do anything wrong and that they can't do anything to change their parent. The parent has to be the one to make that change.
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