Making Amends

As I progressed in my sobriety and began sharing my experiences with other alcoholics I came face to face with my past. Like many other individuals with addiction problems, it was not pretty. I was filled with remorse and shame for all the things I had done while drinking. I wasn’t quite sure about being sober and having to deal with all these terrible memories. I was starting to second guess my sobriety. I wasn’t sure how I was going to able live the rest of my life sober carrying around all this guilt.

AA, like others that followed, is based upon a program of Twelve Steps to recovery that act as a guide to sobriety. The first 7 steps deal with internal change and focus on you, the afflicted. Steps 8 and 9 deal with repairing the damage caused your addiction. In Step 8 we are told to make a list of all those we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. And in Step 9 we are told to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Well I wasn’t so sure about this. First of all I didn’t think anybody would talk to me, a secondly, to be forgiven, was out of the question.

Fortunately for me, making amends fell into the natural progression of my sobriety. It wasn’t that I was compelled to give out shallow “I’m sorry” to everyone I knew. It was more as the opportunity arose I explained that I was in recovery and that I was willing to make whatever amends that were necessary. It could be an honest but simple I’m sorry to repaying a debt.

For me, getting the opportunity to make amends was a life changing experience. I had been carrying around all this wreckage and the weight of all this guilt was constantly with me. Once I started making amends the burden was finally being lifted. It enabled me to move on and leave the past behind. I didn’t have to be afraid of who I might meet. I didn’t have to hide from myself or anyone else.