Willpower, I had plenty. I could stop any time I wanted. You don’t believe me? Just ask! I can tell you point blank, I must have stopped at least a thousand times. The difficulty for me was not stopping. That was easy. As I’ve told you, I’ve must have done it a thousand times. Oh, I stopped for women, for jobs, for family, for friends, or just to show you I could. If I thought it would make you happy, I had no problem stopping. Sometimes I even did for spite; just to show you I could and exactly how much willpower I had. Believe me it was no big deal. Stopping was easy. Like I said, I must have done it a thousand times.
But, how long did the stopping last? Most of the time it lasted just long enough for me to prove my point, that I could stop anytime I wanted. That I had no problem and that I had the willpower to stop whenever I wanted. Anyway, haven’t I stopped every time you asked? So back off and leave me alone!
Obviously, there was a problem. It was very frustrating for me. Aside from stopping a thousand times, I started up again a thousand times as well. And many of those times I was back doing my thing without even realizing it. It certainly was more times than I was willing to admit to either you or myself. I was very disappointed and questioned my own ability to control my own life. But again, I certainly wasn’t going to share that with you either. That would just a be sign of weakness and I just couldn’t do it. If I did there was no telling what might happen. I just couldn’t take that chance. Instead I just came to accept the fact that this was my destiny. As much as may have protested otherwise, I knew my life was mess. Contrary to my arrogance, I knew that I was a total failure and that I was too weak willed to do anything to change it. I came to accept a life to be lived in utter despair.
I thought I had the will to make choices and carry them out. The problem was my compulsion had taken my will hostage. The choices that were being made on my behalf were the wrong choices. It seemed like the more I tried to take control the more my compulsion controlled my will and the more I continued making the wrong choices. Deep down I knew that my life was unmanageable. I knew that I was far from perfect and that I had make mistakes. I knew that I was a disappointment to my family and friends. What I didn’t know and couldn’t figure out was what I did that was so terrible that caused me to receive such a cruel punishment. I knew a lot of things, or so I thought, but the one thing I most wanted to know was Why Me? Why was I destined to live this life of complete despair?
I was raised to believe in God, and I did. What I could not understand is why He had forsaken me. So when I went to my first meeting at a 12 Step Program, and it was suggested that I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, I wasn’t so sure about that. He had already blown me off. I didn’t need to tell you that. All you had to do as take one look at my life. It was blatantly obvious. But I also understood that my life was unmanageable and that I needed to restore some sense of sanity to it. I needed to recapture my will and start making better choices. I needed to regain my ability to choose. I wasn’t sure about how to do that, and I didn’t think God was the answer.
Since my life was a mess and I had nothing better to do I decided to give this 12 Step Program a shot. If nothing else, it gave me somewhere to go, with something to do with nothing to lose. The guys that took me under their wing worked a very simple program, of abstinence, go to meetings, and live your life one day and a time. They promised me nothing. The only thing they told me was, if I did what they said things would get better. They never explained what things or how much better. I guess I was really sick and tried of being sick and tried, because, in spite of my craving to be in control, I did exactly what they told me to do. And almost without me knowing it, things did get better. What things specifically, I don’t know. Just little things happened without me realizing it. Looking back, it’s still amazes me that it worked. In fact, by doing what they told me to do, I was taking back control of my will from my compulsion. With that I regained my ability to make better choices and carry them out. They always weren’t the right choices. But at least the reasoning was sane and I had the ability to change if it didn’t work out.
I guess, for the beginning of my recovery at least, those guys and that 12 Step Program was my higher power. Initially, I had turned my will and my life over to them. Admittedly, these guys made my life manageable. By following their direction they restored me to sanity.
Eventually I came to realize that being strong willed and having willpower was not necessarily the same thing. By regaining control of my will, I regained my ability to make better choices and the ability to carry them through. More importantly, I wasn’t trapped with having made the wrong choice. I now had the ability to change it.
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