But I Was Being Responsible – Really!

Being responsible? I had an addiction problem and it was my only responsibility. And believe me, it made sure that I was always aware of that fact. Nothing else mattered, including my well being. As long as my addiction was satisfied everything was fine, in a macabre sort of way. If I thought my life was unmanageable while trying to satisfy my addiction, it became unbearable if I didn’t. There’s a saying, “Hell as no wrath like a women scorned”. Well try ignoring your addiction and see what happens! It makes a “women scorned” seem like a walk in the park, even for the women. Looking back, I am still amazed how my life became so consumed by my addiction. How I thought my only responsibility was to try and keep it satisfied. Being responsible and addiction don’t go together.

Those of you that are dealing with a substance abuse and or an addiction problem can appreciate what I’m saying. Your “problem” strips away your reasoning and with it your ability to make rational decisions. This thing of ours transforms us into servants. And like any worthwhile servant, our primary obligation is to serve our master. Unfortunately for us, we fulfill this responsibility quite well. In order to keep our master happy, our addiction limits our choices to one, to satisfy it. We forfeit our right to choose and relinquish all other responsibilities in order to meet our master’s relentless demands. In order to survive, we must become the ultimate humble servant.

It has been argued that it is impossible to eliminate any type of behavior. That behavior can only be changed and not eliminated. That being said, the only hope we have then for salvation is to replace our negative or unwanted behavior with a more positive or desirable type of behavior. It is this same reasoning that can effectively restore us to sanity and to “being responsible” again. What I learned from my 12 Step Program was, in order to be successful in my recovery I needed to work the program. I needed try to give the same attention to my recovery as I did to my addiction. So what does this have to do with being responsible?

In order to be successful in my recovery, I needed to change the focus of my behavior. I had to change from being totally subservient to my addiction to being responsible to myself. This is easier said than done. There was no way that my addiction was going to give up control without a fight. If there was going to be fight between my addiction and me, my addiction would win, easily. My addiction was the master and I was the humble, abiding servant. I didn’t have a chance. I needed to replace the focus of my behavior from my addiction to something more desirable: something more positive.

By “working the program” I began to develop as sense of obligation to those individuals who were helping me with my recovery. As I shared my experiences of addiction and recovery with others, this sense of obligation became even more compelling. I started to feel better about myself. I was in fact becoming a new person, almost like being reborn. I was feeling clean, in the sense of being rid of the lies, deceit, disappointment, and despair that consumed my life. That sense of obligation was developing into a sense of responsibility. A responsibility not only to those that were helping me, but to those I was hopefully helping as well. Now, I could not let my addiction win out. The responsibility I had to my addiction was being replaced by my responsibility to my recovery. If I was to allow my addiction to win out, I would let everyone down. Not only those who helped me, but more importantly those I had helped. My life would in fact be nothing more than a sham. Nothing more than a life full of lies, deceit, and continued disappointment and despair. Nothing would have changed. As a matter of fact, I felt that if I let my addiction win out, I would become an even more despicable person than I was before, if that was even possible. And worse yet, I saw no way out, short of dying.

Fortunately, what I came to understand was that I had an obligation of being responsible for my actions; that others depended on it. I was responsible for maintaining my recovery as an example to those working on their own recovery. We are all responsible for helping each other; even if it’s only by example. By allowing the natural sense of obligation I felt towards those who were helping me with my recovery to develop, I was able to develop a sense of obligation and responsibility to myself as well as for others. This was the stronger more positive focus that enabled me to break from my subservient role to my addiction to accepting being responsibility of my actions.