Whenever I used alcohol I was never sure what was going to happen. There were times I could drink in moderation with no adverse affects. At other times my drinking would escalate and I behaved in ways that hurt both myself and others. This was in essence my life being out of control.
These episodes of being out of control made my life unmanageable. It caused me to feel shame, guilt and remorse. I tried to stop but I couldn't. And with each new failure, the shame, guilt and remorse increased. I tried everything in my power to stop and nothing worked.
To cope with the increasing guilt, shame and remorse I lied to myself and others. I was in denial. Worse yet, I had lost hope. Alcoholic drinking was normal drinking for me. Alcohol had defeated me.
When I came to AA, I realized all the above was true because I was powerless over alcohol. AA helped me grasp the basic and undeniable fact that I had a problem with alcohol. This acknowledgment on my part was my first step towards recovery.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
It was my drinking that caused all those unfortunate circumstances.
I had this rock n' roll fantasy. I really expected to be dead by the time I was 30. Joplin, Hendricks, and Morrison were so why not me. After all, all our first names started with the letter J.
When I was 18, and if you asked me where I thought I would in 10 years, I'm not exactly sure what my answers would have been, but I can assure you, going to AA meetings would not have been one of them. I'm not even sure I had even heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fortunately for me, that's where I was, and with a year's sobriety besides.
I would say within a year of legally buying my first drink, I was a daily drinker. And until I went to my first AA meeting, my life evolved about getting the next drink. Towards the end of my drinking life I became a true social drinker. Whatever you were buying I was drinking. It doesn't get more sociable than that. I lived just for today, getting that next drink, one day at a time.
It was the beginning of June, 1974 when I went to my first AA meeting. I met the people and heard their stories. I was relieved to hear that my problems revolved around my addiction to alcohol. For years I believed it was the unfortunate circumstances in my life that caused me to drink. What I heard at that first AA meeting was just the opposite. It was my drinking that caused all those unfortunate circumstances. So when I found out the ONLY THING wrong with me that was I was an alcoholic, a large weight was lifted off my shoulders. I believed I was cursed and doomed for life. Hearing this was like being on death row and getting a reprieve from the governor. This was cool. All I needed was for these AA people to show me what to do, and I be on my merry way. Well, not so fast, and not so simple.
I had this withdrawal issue to deal with. An being homeless and sober isn't cool either. Fortunately for me, the friend that brought to my first meeting allowed me to temporarily stay at his place as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. He had helped me get one of my old jobs back. Both he and the company were willing to help me as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. I argeed. It really wasn't a hard sell on either of their parts. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Besides, I had nowhere else go, for now.
I never thought I'd have 37 years of sobrieity. But one day at a time, here we are.
When I was 18, and if you asked me where I thought I would in 10 years, I'm not exactly sure what my answers would have been, but I can assure you, going to AA meetings would not have been one of them. I'm not even sure I had even heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fortunately for me, that's where I was, and with a year's sobriety besides.
I would say within a year of legally buying my first drink, I was a daily drinker. And until I went to my first AA meeting, my life evolved about getting the next drink. Towards the end of my drinking life I became a true social drinker. Whatever you were buying I was drinking. It doesn't get more sociable than that. I lived just for today, getting that next drink, one day at a time.
It was the beginning of June, 1974 when I went to my first AA meeting. I met the people and heard their stories. I was relieved to hear that my problems revolved around my addiction to alcohol. For years I believed it was the unfortunate circumstances in my life that caused me to drink. What I heard at that first AA meeting was just the opposite. It was my drinking that caused all those unfortunate circumstances. So when I found out the ONLY THING wrong with me that was I was an alcoholic, a large weight was lifted off my shoulders. I believed I was cursed and doomed for life. Hearing this was like being on death row and getting a reprieve from the governor. This was cool. All I needed was for these AA people to show me what to do, and I be on my merry way. Well, not so fast, and not so simple.
I had this withdrawal issue to deal with. An being homeless and sober isn't cool either. Fortunately for me, the friend that brought to my first meeting allowed me to temporarily stay at his place as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. He had helped me get one of my old jobs back. Both he and the company were willing to help me as long as I was sober and went to AA meetings. I argeed. It really wasn't a hard sell on either of their parts. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Besides, I had nowhere else go, for now.
I never thought I'd have 37 years of sobrieity. But one day at a time, here we are.
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